Gosh I’m so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been trying to grieve your loss for yourself while also trying to help twin boys to navigate theirs as well.
I don’t know that anyone is going to be able to fix or change this for you in a short amount of time (the bedtime thing). And I very much realize that any advice I share is just another well-intentioned suggestion without proper context and not fully understanding your family or the situation.
Having said that, it sounds like your little boys had a special routine and connection with their dad at bedtime. And boys are very active and kinesthetic — so the joy and sound and movement and crash-landing are possibly all interconnected to their loss… so just ‘talking’ about it or doing soothing things are perhaps missing the important elements for them. Also, ‘talking’ for 4 year olds has limited value (they are doers more than abstract thinkers at that age).
You need sleep.
They need sleep.
What about something based on your family’s belief-system around death (did daddy go to heaven?). Maybe make little paper airplanes at night and draw a picture / write a wish on them that you wish to send to heaven (?) to daddy? They could fly the airplanes around like madmen (to kinda get that same feeling in their bodies) and tell them that the faster they fly them around the sooner their dad would get the message. They could draw a picture from the best part of their day, or whatever they like. You could take the airplanes after their sleeping 💤. That way they know the angels brought them to their dad (and they can’t take them til they’re asleep 😉).
Again, I’m sure you’ve gotten a million suggestions and I don’t meant to make your burden harder. I can feel your desperation and you have to do what is right for you and your boys.
Best of luck. I have three girls (including twin LD) and I don’t know what we would have done their dad passed when they were little. But he did travel a lot and I had to get creative sometimes.
Take care of YOU! 💜
