When leaders do more harm than good.
Yesterday, I read a post on a popular social-media platform that caused me to pause.
And then it caused me to feel anger.
And then it (almost) prompted me to comment with my ‘take’ on the OP’s question.
Which then made me pause again.
And really feel into what was being triggered in me.
I sifted through my feelings and thoughts, questioning my own reaction and desire to share my opinion:
Which led me to realize that perhaps I didn’t need to comment or post at all.
Now, if you know me at all, even after all that thinking and processing, I still feel passionately about my opinion.
(Go figure.)
So here it is:
- Everyone is allowed an opinion.
- Everyone is allowed to share theirs.
However, when we have created a ‘following’, or a career, or a position where we have people who really listen to what we share…
IF we purport to be a leader of any kind — we have a responsibility.
A responsibility to share our thoughts, experiences and feelings with integrity.
- without needing to make everyone happy (people pleasing).
- without manipulation (controlling)
- without posing questions that are actually statements disguised as questions (e.g., Why would anyone want to eat a mushy mini ball of satan?).
That last option is what ‘triggered’ me originally: the OP suggested that any female voting in a particular way must have a psychological disorder, low self-worth and/or unresolved ‘daddy issues.’
Really?
But, if we are comfortable in ourselves, why would someone posting this type of thing be bothersome at all? You might ask yourself.
You might also ask yourself was I over-reacting because of my own daddy issues? (You could be right).
Which is why I decided to wait it out. Get calm. And write THIS post.
Here’s the deal.
When we are a self-proclaimed leader, suggesting a mental health diagnoses (which we are not qualified to suggest) to explain a worldview different than our own creates further division instead of healing any type of real divide.
But more than that, even if the suggestion or question could be true (who doesn’t have ‘daddy issues’?), as a function of being human we are now either ‘with’ our esteemed leader, or ‘against’ them. And cognitive dissonance tells us we won’t like that dilemma.
(Like, what if I disagree? Does that mean I have daddy issues?).
It creates an unbalanced situation. And the human psyche does not do well with imbalance.
So, we are either going to ‘agree’ (yay me… I can feel a kindred connection with my leader), or ‘disagree’ (omg I don’t agree so I must have psychological problems).
It’s a confusing, catch 22-type bind.
Let’s face it: we all have psychological issues, ‘triggers’ and peculiarities that inform our choices and preferences. (e.g., I love black licorice: fight me).
Suggesting that someone has bigger issues than yours because they don’t think or feel like you do is deflection (at the very least), plain and simple.
(In learn-to-be-a-therapist school, a stronger way of wording it was ‘an abuse of power’ — a real-life ethical dilemma).
And I don’t know about you, but I’m sort of tired of all of the abuses of power going around — on all sides of this political divide.
We are all allowed our opinions.
The beauty of our own mind and experience is that we get to think whatever it is we wish.
But we don’t always need to share them. ESPECIALLY if we are in a position of power.
I tell my kids all the time they are absolutely allowed to think or feel anything at all — but to always try and PAUSE before sharing (admittedly, this started after a few embarrassing mom-moments when one or other of my girls would share something with a complete stranger that, well, didn’t need to be shared… ahem).
Anyway, what’s the point of this?
Oh yes.
PAUSE before you share the ramblings of your mind.
Especially if you are in any position of ‘power’: Parent, Teacher, Coach, Online ‘Influencer’… you get the idea.
What you say matters.
How you say it matters.
Why you are saying it matters perhaps most.
We all have the power to influence those in our lives.
Let’s focus on influencing people to be their best selves by becoming educated and informed in the most unbiased way possible… and leave psychological diagnoses to the professionals.
As always, I welcome your thoughts, feedback and comments!
Originally published at https://www.tanyatinney.com on August 22, 2020.
